A minister’s world of absurdities- Femi Adeoti Column

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FEMI ADEOTI COLUMN

Lai Mohammed is a classical case. What a study in absurdity. What a
minister in his own world of oddities. This eerie species of character
is something else.
Just when foes think he is down and out. Just when they clink glasses.
In the nick of time, he springs a wild surprise. And for the wrong
reason. Almost all the time.
He’s Minister, Information and Culture, in the fading President
Muhammadu Buhari regime. That is where he holds sway tightly. He is
enjoying it to the fullest. Notwithstanding. He must expire on May 29,
2023.
He conceptualises his script. Writes it in his own weird style. He
acts it in his usual eerie element. Of course, directs it as his queer
spirit leads him.
By the time he’s done. He has an unconventional production on his lap.
When he saunters to the cinema with it, all ears, eyes are glued to
the screen. All mouths wide open.
Suddenly, the reel rolls to an unpleasant end. His audience even
becomes more confused. Some agitated. Others in excruciating pains.
Why give us a rough ride? They wonder angrily aloud. So far so harsh.
No clear message is passed. Nothing sinks. Everything is missing.
Everything is broken.
Nothing sticks in their memories. Except a legion of deceit, lies,
guile, hoax, ruse and their likes, cousins and uncles.
Lai does not play with his plays. Neither does he joke with them. He
attacks each with the seriousness he thinks it deserves. You can’t
deny him his cranky constituent. Even friends and foes are at synergy
on this. It’s one rare meeting point for them.
He is determined. His mission must be accomplished. So? He opted for
the unthinkable, the unethical. He “gate-crashed” into Washington DC,
United States. That itself was a display of crass incompetence.
He was in US to make a failed defence of his masters. For worse and
the worst. The regime he has served for eight straight years. It was
an exceptional display of inferiority complex. It sparked off an
uncanny love for bondage, slavery.
Like living in our ugly past. Only a government of low esteem does
that and sees nothing wrong in it. Absolutely. In fact, it cherishes
and celebrates it with relish. The reason Lai crashed again. That
attempt was a monumental failure.
Pa Edwin Clark is elder statesman. He opted for the other side of the
divide. He has his own intimidating antecedents. He has been around
for sometime now. He will be 96 years on May 25, 2023. It’s safe to
say he has seen it all.
He was once in the trenches. He understands the bumpy terrain too
well. It is a familiar passage to tread. He fought the British
colonialists alongside other nationalists. He used the platform of the
National Council of Nigeria and the Cameroons (NCNC). That changed to
the National Convention of Nigerian Citizens in the course of time.
In the Second Republic, he was a National Party of Nigeria (NPN)
stalwart. He now leads the Pan-Niger Delta Forum (PANDEF). So also the
Southern and Middle Belt Leaders Forum (SMBLF).
Even beyond that. Clark was Federal Commissioner for Information. That
was under the military junta of General Yakubu Gowon. He abhors Lai’s
shenanigans with disgust. He sees him as an Egyptian plague. Highly
contagious! He won’t tolerate him. Not even a bit. And he didn’t fail
to say so. He would not hide his feelings.
This elder statesman is restless and restive. He   won’t rest on his
oars yet. He chooses not to keep quiet. Neither will he remain silent
in the face of falsehood.
Last Easter, Clark was daring again. He showcased the hard stuff he is
made of. He displayed uncommon dexterity.
He did that to the best of his ability that Sunday. The festive period
could not stop him from opening up. He would not be blind to the
gospel truth. He really poured out.
He was genuinely furious. No pretence, no bluffing. The reason he
fumed the way he fumed. He is not given to frivolities. Triviality
couldn’t have been on his cards.
So? He literally threw himself into archives. He dug deep. He burnt
the midnight candle without nightmares. And it paid him off
handsomely. What he unearthed was wholesome, quite revealing. And
baffling too!
Armed to the teeth, he took on enfant terrible Lai Mohammed. He came
out hard on him, for good reason. The minister crossed his red line.
And Clark crushed him.
He not only took him to the cleaners, he tore him to shreds. Mohammed
holds sway at Information and Culture Ministry. The same ministry
Clark held spellbound 50 years ago!
That is why Clark is at a great loss. The curious manner Lai does his
job is disheartening. And he’s not scared to tell it to his face. No
ambiguity: “For me to see what Lai Mohammed is doing with the office
today is disappointing.”
Sampler: “His recent sojourn to the United States of America (USA), on
the issue of Interim National Government (ING)…to me, is an effort in
futility.” Why? His apt response:
“Lai Mohammed did not base his accusations on any report or
information given by any state agency. But on mere propaganda targeted
at destroying the reputation of an innocent citizen.”
Peter Obi is Clark’s reference here. Obi contested the presidential
election on the platform of the Labour Party. He was allotted the
third place. Lai had on April 5, 2023, issued a threat far away in
Washington DC.
He was dead serious. He said Obi and his running mate, Datti
Baba-Ahmed, risked being prosecuted for treason. His vague and dubious
reason: Their utterances since they lost the election.
Clark did not take kindly to this: “Lai did not base his information
on any credible intelligence report from the state agencies, but on
propaganda and falsity.”
He then turned the tables against Lai: “He should be charged for
spreading an unhealthy (piece of) information and fake news against an
innocent Nigerian who has proven his worth in the country. Mohammed
used his exalted office to commit this perfidy.”
One question he wants Lai to answer. And honestly too: “On what
platform, at what time and in what manner did Obi make the supposed
treasonable or seditious remarks?” He accused him of beating about the
bush.
Clark then unveiled what he found in the archives to rubbish Lai. He
reminded him, in case he pretended he forgot. Calls for an interim
government didn’t start today. Not even after the election.
Evidence: “Legal icon and elder statesman, Aare Afe Babalola, says an
interim government should replace the current administration at the
expiration of President Muhammadu Buhari’s tenure in 2023.”
The founder of Afe Babalola University (ABUAD), Ado-Ekiti, made this
innocent and honest submission on Monday, April 18, 2022.
The elder statesman relies heavily on People Gazette News of February
4, 2023: “Bola Tinubu says there are plots by powerful forces in
government to use violence to disrupt the 2023 general election and
impose an interim government.
‘“They want to provoke you to violence, so that election will be
disrupted and postponed, and they can cunningly introduce an interim
government, that’s their plot. But this will backfire because we are
wiser,’ Mr. Tinubu said.”
Clark saw tomorrow. He saw this mess coming long ago. Yes, he did.
Even before any of these characters in government. And he vehemently
stood against it. He raised the alarm. They ignored him to their
peril.
His open testimony: “Indeed, since this Fourth Republic, which we have
since 1999, other national leaders have said more serious and what may
even be regarded as incendiary statements in the course of the
elections.
“This forced me on May 9, 2015, to write a letter to the then Speaker,
House of Representatives, Aminu Tambuwal, in reaction to a motion.
Some members of the House had in a selective manner insisted that
Alhaji Muhajideen Asari Dokubo and one Kingsley Kuku should be
investigated over statements that they made.”
Clark was emphatic and thorough in his search. He brought back what
Alhaji Lawal Kaita, 80, said before the 2015 elections. He was a
governor of old Kaduna State.
He attained that feat amid controversies in 1981. It was after the
manipulated impeachment of Balarabe Musa. And he became the first
Nigerian state governor to be so treated. Even at that old age then,
Kaita still spit fire:
“A northerner must emerge in 2015 or Nigeria will divide. We hear
rumours all over that Jonathan is planning to contest in 2015. Well,
the country will be prepared if the country remains one. That is if
the country remains, if not everybody can go his way.”
What would a Lai Mohammed call this? How would he approach Kaita;
kudos, knocks or both? His was a clarion call to war. It threatened
our very existence as a nation. Reckless as it was grossly
irresponsible.
This Kaita would not be deterred. He ranted and raved uncontrollably:
“The North is determined, if it happens, to make the country
ungovernable for President Jonathan or any other southerner who finds
his way into the seat of power on the platform of the PDP.”
His pent-up anger rose: “Jonathan has to go and he will go. Even if he
uses incumbency power to get the nomination from the governors of the
PDP, we will frustrate him out.” And that was exactly what they did!
The present town criers in government are such bizarre species. They
never saw anything amiss with that outburst. No alarm was raised. Of
course, the threats came from their camp.
Clark was troubled as he continued digging. The more he dug, the
messier it was. But he would not stop. He would not be discouraged.
This is the hair-raising result of his doggedness. His exact words:
“Even more troubling, during the same era, General Muhammadu Buhari
then a candidate for the presidency under CPC stated, ‘there may be no
Nigeria. I draw with Somalia so many times (Somalisation of Nigeria).’
“It was the same line of thought that my friend and former Minister of
Finance and who at a time also served as Governor of Central Bank of
Nigeria, Mallam Adamu Ciroma, stated, ‘like you know, Hausa land was
in crisis for over 200 years and God brought Usman dan Fodio…For me, I
have no doubt and I have not lost my faith that God can bring someone
to clean the mess we are in now.”’
It was on this premise that Buhari rode to power in 2015. No wonder
things happened the manner they happened. The reason they would not
tolerate what they did to us. They couldn’t stand it.
Lai carried the onslaught to foreign lands. He tried hard to change
the obvious narratives. He wanted to do the impossible. He vowed. The
2023 elections must be deodorised.
He got alien observers to tell us we did not see what we saw. Or we
did not hear what we heard. That we did not go through what we went
through. Or what happened never happened.
Those are the lies Lai told Jonnie Carson to lie to us. He even
presented to the US media his “facts of the just concluded polls as
against skewed narratives of the opposition and naysayers.”
So? The European Union, USA, United Kingdom never saw well. Their
reports of the elections were “skewed narratives.”
Lai certainly bit off more than he could chew. To ventilate the 2023
elections as free and fair is missing the point. Outright! Their
warped reason: They claimed certain VIPs lost their bases to the
elections.
And that made it free and fair? No fair mind will sanitise these 2023
polls as free and fair. None.
What a minister’s world of absurdities, oddities!