By FEMI ADEOTI
Glaringly, we are trapped, and that is for real. So, we are desperate to run away from this madness in the name of politics. We are worried. This is no pretence.
Unarguably, our own brand of politics is out of this world. You cannot find its kind in any sane clime. It has no duplicate, no rival anywhere else.
They insist ours is home-grown; whatever that means to them. They strive to convince us that it is specifically designed for us. And we are wired for it in return.
But this democracy is getting messier by the day. It is collapsing by every minute. The more you look, the more you are lost in the whirlwind. The more you get involved, the more you get yourself messed up.
The more you think you know, more empty and confused you discover you are. To make the hopeless matters worst, things are happening in the speed of light. You can never catch up with Nigeria’s politics and its irritant and irritating politicians.
No part of the country is practically spared. The major gladiators are given; the All Progressives Congress (APC) and the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP). They are clearly in the forefront. They are the elements ruling (ruining?) our world. Others are trailing in far distance behind.
But by far, APC has the lion share, maintaining a comfortable lead in confusion and disorderliness. It is the rave of the moment in chaos and crisis. It is like a pandemic.
And we are enjoying every bit of its disarray and untidiness with relish. The turmoil is wreaking havoc all over. And APC does not care a hoot. It is anytime ready to halt the commotion and the tumult. So, let the beat goes on.
The spread is alarming, amazing and even amusing all at the same time. We cherish it without regret. Name it, Edo, Rivers, Abuja, Ondo, Ekiti, Benue, Oyo, et al. APC is everywhere taking the hard bouts in reckless abundance, and almost in ruins.
Last week was particularly hectic and out of tune with APC. The party sank deeper into abyss. Old scores were brutally settled. Some “powerful” were pulled down; and some “favourites” were lifted up. How are the mighty fallen!
Just before the unthinkable happened, the post below explained it all. It is witty and full of native intelligence. One of the very best in recent times. It is apt, précised and on spot. It went viral for the ultimate good of us.
It is titled, “APC Pandemic Crisis Update.” It goes this way:
“Six new cases of APC crisis have been confirmed today, June 22, 2020. Breakdown; Three in Rivers State, one in Edo State, one in Abuja and one in Ondo State.
“Details in Rivers State (three):
*Acting chairman of APC in Rivers State, Igo Aguma, suspended the national acting chairman, Victor Giadom.
*Then party members in the state loyal to the suspended acting national chairman suspended the state acting chairman.
*Two groups belonging to Rivers State APC party leader opposed themselves. One group said they will burn down Rivers State, the other group said the group that said they will burn down Rivers State are stupid ethnic irredentists.
“Details in Edo State (one):
*The national acting chairman of the party said there is no primary election authorised by the party in Edo State, writes INEC. But the primary election is on-going in Edo State. That is one new case in Edo.
“Details in Ondo State (one):
*The Deputy Governor of Ondo State and Ondo State SSG said they are no longer doing again. They resigned their membership of APC and decamped to PDP.
“Details in Abuja (one):
*Worgu Boms was sworn in as the new national deputy secretary to replace the acting national chairman suspended by the Rivers State acting chairman of the party.
“There are suspected cases in Ekiti and Benue states, tests are currently being carried out to confirm their status.
“Please, you are advised to observe political distancing from APC as there is no cure for the crisis rocking the party in sight.”
Edo State was becoming a hell before the real owners of APC struck last week. The state was having the best of times in the APC pandemic. The awkward arrangement was taking its huge tolls on the state. The time bomb was on standby, waiting to be carelessly detonated.
The characters involved were behaving as if nothing serious was at stake. Their actions and inactions were nothing to write home about.
They were arrogant and selfish. They were simply evil with devilish intentions. They were parochial and heavily narrow-minded. They ought not to be leaders in a normal setting. Yet, they recklessly called the shots.
Edo was the latest political chessboard. And it played that uncommon role to the admiration of us all. We were disgusted, yet delighted that things were happening that way.
Parties with uncanny audacity irresponsibly swapped governorship candidates with the highest ignominy. It was another level of cross carpeting. APC was rash and thoughtless. It mindlessly threw its aspirant, Governor Godwin Obaseki, away not for lack of poor performance. But because somebody somewhere, an emerging godfather and tin god did not like his guts.
So? What was a good product for APC in 2014 turned sour and acidic. That is how Obaseki became a bad market in 2020. How times fly and change!
Whereas Osagie Ize-Iyamu was highly vilified in 2014 as PDP candidate by APC. The same Ize-Iyamu is now the toast of the same APC. Stranger than fiction! PDP was forced to play along. It was just feasting on the pandemic ravaging APC. And it coasted home with Obaseki as its gubernatorial candidate. The same man PDP fought dirty in 2014 using Ize-Iyamu as its flag bearer.
Whether he would win or not, is another debate. But PDP did the appropriate in collecting the stone the APC risked to ignore. Both parties have trashed into the dustbin what they showcased for Edo in 2014.
They are however, clever by half. They still believe in the same candidates somehow. That is the reason they perfected that absurd arrangement. They went back to their different drawing boards. They consulted wide and wild, digging deeper this time around. They turned over my files and many midnight candles.
Then they met their miracle. Luck and fortunes smiled at them, that is their belief. They came out with a formula that beat all permutations and imagination. We are all dumbfounded. We are speechless with their kind of result and presentation.
It appears unthinkable. But that is the stark reality. It is the nightmare Edo is destined to live with at least for now. This is the cross Edo must carried it is the pandemic called APC.
PDP is not immune to the pandemic. It is fast catching the cold. Governor Nyesom Wike of Rivers State caused a big stir. He nearly washed his hands off Obaseki. He grudged the party National Working Committee (NWC): “I know the members of the NWC of PDP who connived with a national newspaper.
“They are tax collectors. Let them challenge me and I will come out with more facts. Nobody will rubbish me by raising false accusations against me. I will fight back.” Somehow, Wike was persuaded to sheath his sword, spear, bow and arrow.
Just in good time, the smeared and maligned Vice President Yemi Osinbajo strayed in. And he perhaps provided a clue this ravaging malady. His utterance was not a mistake.
His target could be easily identified. Osinbajo was clear in his mind. He said it and moved on immediately. Leaving its preys to lick their festering wound. He did not mince, mix or miss words. His confession:
“There is no question that we are dealing with large and expensive government. But as you know, given the current constitutional structure, those who would have to vote to reduce (the size of) government, especially to become part-time legislators, are the very legislators themselves.”
We dare the legislators to respond. That would be a great risk! They dare not!
*NOTE: This piece was meant for this column last Thursday.