Like most taxi drivers, the Uber ride-to-office driver who ferried me to my appointment was talkative and couldn’t resist chattering. During the about twenty-minute ride, he told me his life story, marital status, his struggles in life, opinions on religion, philosophy, etc. He revealed why he parted ways with ways with his church and pastors.
“Dem Pastors tink sey we be fool. Every day, na so so moni moni, they ask us to bring. Haba, god cannot be that hungry. Anyway, sha, I dey my house dey pray to my God.”
Without losing a breath, he veered into Nigerian affairs and lamented the state of affairs in the country he loves so much. Of course, as he mockingly described his country, he knew the genesis and the revelation of why things went south with the giant of Africa.
With passion, he cried: We voted for Tinubu. Every Nigerian voted for him. But na only I’m Yoruba people he remember. Na only only Yoruba dey rule Nigeria now.”
He deftly dodged me when I mentioned the prominent Non-Yorubas in the current government.
‘I think you dey support dem because you be Yorubas yourself.”
I gave up and relapsed into silence. He merrily continues his monologue.
Mercifully, we arrived at my destination. I paid and wished him a fine day.
The cavernous EFCC headquarters in Abuja, adorned with ultra-modern opulent décor, mocks the very essence of frugality. The smartly dressed guards gave me a professional check before they allowed me into the building.
A lovely receptionist welcomed me and ushered me into the office of the Corporate Spokesperson of the primary agency Nigeria set up to fight corruption.
Here I am, seated in an overly plush chair that practically swallows moi, staring at the woman before me.
She’s the EFCC’s spokesperson, Ms Ima Uduak.
Plenty and formidable are two adjectives that best describe her. Her enormous size seems to challenge the laws of physics. Her rotund figure occupies so much space that parts of her appear to reside in different time zones.
Flashing toothy smiles on her beautiful Calabar face, she welcomes me like a lost bosom friend. I hope she doesn’t feel too disappointed in what I have in mind for the organization she was employed to polish up.
A petite office flunkey had brought the drinks Ms Ukaeke offered me; the little thing was swinging her petite ass the way they do in Nigerian movies. Nothing there, thank you.
We took sips of our drinks, and I launched into my mission to the den of the Lion — metaphorically speaking.
I promptly went on the offensive: Madam, thank you for speaking with me today. I can understand how busy you must be trying to defend the indefensible.
Ms Ukatete’s nice smile collapsed on her face as she tried to read me. She maintained her professional poise, though. Ignoring my jab, she replied: It’s my pleasure. Transparency and engaging with media people to put our views to Nigerians are at the heart of what we do.
I did not relent. Pantomiming my best Tola Adeniyi’s frown, I replied: Transparency? That is one fascinating choice of words. My mission here today is to get some clarification on your boss, Mr. Olukoyede’s recent lamentation that corruption is why Nigeria’s electricity remains as stable as a drunkard on stilts. I am here to determine if lamenting and chronicling Nigeria’s problems is now an official EFCC policy.
The Rented Mouth struggles to maintain her composure. (Smiling tightly), she said: The Boss was merely pointing out the systemic issues we’re dealing with. Corruption is a deeply rooted problem…
Sorry to cut you short, Madam; you know the problem. I know the problem. Every Nigerian knows about corruption, bad governance, lack of electricity, etc. It has become a culture. Citizens don’t need reminders about systemic corruption. They experience it whenever they flick a light switch or turn a pipe, and nothing happens. Nigerians clamor for action, not an orchestra of well-fed officials wailing about the very problems they’re paid to solve.
The EFCC’s mouthpiece face fell, and her voluptuous body convulsed. Her breathing became more audible. I hope that there are no underlying medical issues there. Smiling tightly, she told me, “That’s unfair. The EFCC has made tremendous progress…
I was in a combative mood. My Ekiti blood was boiling with ire, so I asked her: Progress? Madam, the only progress Nigerians see is the ever-expanding waistlines of over-enumerated public officials. I do not want to get personal, but let’s discuss your boss’s latest lamentation. Instead of doing what our media people are already doing, did it occur to him to investigate the power sector instead of issuing statements that are as hollow as a Jollof pot after a party? Who needs his chronicles?
She was undoubtedly having big problems with my line of questioning: Mr. Akomolafe, please, we are investigating. If only you would try to be objective and not be so combative, you would admit that these things take time.
I cried: Time? Madam, it’s been over 60 years since independence. How much more time do you think Nigerians need to put up with corruption and poor services? Or does your boss want to tell us that he operates on the principle of “Performance delayed is job security ensured?”
She shifted uncomfortably in her huge seat: That’s not fair. You certainly have ways with words, but fighting corruption is complex work…
Complex? Complex, as in? Let us try to get this straight. The EFCC was established to combat financial crimes, correct?
She answered me: Correct.
So, in Nigeria, governments set up agencies specifically to tackle problems, yet, every time Nigerians look around, they see the alleged culprits hosting expensive parties, commissioning mansions, and jetting off to Dubai to have birthday bashes. Shall I list a few examples, or do you have a pre-prepared list of excuses?
She is visibly bristling by now. If you have examples, feel free to share them.
Thank you, Ma, I said without meaning it. Let’s start with a classic: Abdullahi Adamu, a former governor, was accused of embezzling state funds. Instead of being in a prison cell, he was rewarded with a seat at the national table as chairman of the party ruling Nigeria. Diezani Alison-Madueke was accused of stealing billions of dollars, yet the only consequence she faced was the inconvenience of choosing which jewelry to wear in London. Nigerians did not forget about the NDDC scandal, where billions disappeared faster than a magician’s rabbit. No one has been convicted yet. Should I continue?
Try to be fair, Mr Akomolafe. All these cases that you mentioned are under serious investigation…
I couldn’t help but to raise my voice: Investigation? Nigerians see he EFCC parade small-time internet fraudsters, Yahoo-Yahoo boys boys who scam foreigners out of lunch money and to impress their silly and wanton girlfriends, but when it comes to the big fish, you suddenly forget how to cast a net or your net become porous.
It was Ms Ukaete’s turn to shout: No. That’s a gross mischaracterization. The EFCC has secured convictions…
I cut her short: Against whom, Madam? You have convicted tons of Yahoo boys and other petty criminals? Congratulations, madam. High five. The EFCC has perfected the art of shooting fish in a barrel while the sharks throw lavish parties. I hope that you know the expression.
She is palpably struggling to maintain her composure: Corruption is a societal issue…
I retorted sharply: A societal issue that thrives under the very noses of agencies like yours. Do you know what Nigerians really hate about what their leaders are doing to them? It is the sheer hypocrisy of those in power. Look at it this way: your boss goes around securing tribunes from where to lament corruption while driving a government-issued SUV that costs more than most Nigerians will earn in a lifetime. How do you think that looks to the average citizen?
She elected not to reply, so I continued: “I thought so. By the way, how much does your boss earn per month?”
She found her voice: You cannot expect me to divulge confidential information to you…
I jumped in. Do you now see what I mean? Confidential? Isn’t the EFCC a public institution funded by taxpayer money? Why should Nigerians be kept in the dark about how much they’re paying for your Boss’ lamentation services? I guess that his salary is so outrageous that it would be considered an outrage on its own.
That’s an exaggeration
Is it now? Let’s talk about your salary. How much do you earn for defending this charade, this circus?
Her looks suggested I have hit a raw nerve: I’m not here to discuss my remuneration. Why should I? She asked petulantly.
That is very convenient, Ma. But let me ask you this: How much of your salary do you spend on diesel for your generator? Because we both know that, like every other Nigerian, you can’t rely on the electricity your boss claims is plagued by corruption.
She glared at me, folded her arms across her ample bosom, and refused to answer my question.
We can live with your not being willing to answer that particular question. Let’s move on. Your agency claims to be independent, yet every major political figure with allegations of corruption seems to enjoy immunity. Is it that you’re afraid to bite the hand that feeds you, or are you just bad at your job?
We are not afraid to prosecute anyone. Our records clearly indicate that we have been persecuting, ooops, I meant prosecuting corrupt officials.
Really? Then explain why a man like Bola Tinubu, with his alleged financial irregularities from Chicago to Lagos, has never been seriously investigated and could get to get a residency at the Aso Rock. Are you waiting for him to retire before you “discover” evidence, as you conveniently do with ex-governors?
Ms Ukaete was visibly Flustered. These are baseless allegations…
Please, Madam, Nigerians are not fools. These allegations are well documented – a simple search on the internet will put them on your screen. Nigerians see what’s happening. Your agency arrests the low-hanging fruit while the bigwigs sit comfortably in their mansions or occupy the presidency of their country. To Nigerians, the EFCC fights hunger by stealing bread from the hungry while hosting feasts for the well-fed.
That is most unfair. Objective Nigerians can see that we are working tirelessly…
Tirelessly? Madam, Nigerians don’t see tireless effort; they only see tireless excuses. The EFCC has become a tragicomedy, a bad joke that isn’t longer funny. Do you know what Nigerians want?
You are surely an expert in that department, by the look of things. What do Nigerians want?
Nigerians want results. They do not want lamentations or press releases. They are tired of seeing well-paid officials tooling around in fanciful and expensive SUVs only to be reading useless speeches prepared by the armies of flunkeys they maintain at public expense. That is what Nigerians want.
That’s a harsh assessment and unfair.
Harsh? No, madam. Harsh is a nation like Nigeria, which, with all her wealth, citizens cannot afford life’s basics that people in most modern nations take for granted, where parents can’t afford to send their children to decent schools because someone embezzled the education budget. Harsh is a hospital without medicine because the funds disappeared into a politician’s overseas account. Harsh is the daily reality of Nigerians while you and your colleagues sit in air-conditioned offices lamenting problems you were hired to solve.
She fumed and elected to remain silent.
I rounded up: I’ll leave you with this. Nigerians are tired of the noise. If the EFCC cannot step up and hold the powerful accountable, then perhaps it’s time for the EFCC to stop pretending. After all, the only thing worse than a corrupt system is a system that claims to fight corruption but only perpetuates it.
©️ Fẹ̀mi Akọ̀mọ̀làfẹ̀(Farmer, Writer, Published Author, Essayist, Satirist, and Social Commentator.)
My latest book, From Stamp to Click (it’s still a hello), is published and is available online at:
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