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“No one says you won’t get angry in marriage, no one says you won’t feel offended by your partner; but channeling such energy into violence is where the line must be drawn. A lot of marriages have folded today because of the inability of a partner to manage their feelings while protecting the peace in the home. They allow their feelings of hurt, disappointment and anger get the better of them, and move wild when they are supposed to move wise.”
As we coast home on this series, it is important we explore the strategy of Non-violence communication and how unavoidable it is to a marital life of peace. As established in the foregoing editions, marital peace is no mirage: it is practically possible should both partners commit themselves to the acts of peace living.
6. Non-violence communication
No one says you won’t get angry in marriage, no one says you won’t feel offended by your partner; but channeling such energy into violence is where the line must be drawn. A lot of marriages have folded today because of the inability of a partner to manage their feelings while protecting the peace in the home. They allow their feelings of hurt, disappointment and anger get the better of them, and move wild when they are supposed to move wise.
With NVC being brought into contexts of conflict between you and your spouse, you are bound to navigate the pitfall of marital crisis, and nourish your union for productivity and longevity.
— Observation
More often, people rush into judgement when expressing their perceptions, inadvertently building a wall between themselves and the other party. In NVC, the language of Observation is more concerned about building bridges by doing away with judgement that only creates offences.
With Judgement: You come home and eat just a small portion of your food as though you have eaten outside before you came home.
Without Judgement: I noticed you don’t finish your food.
— Feelings
This is an integral part of any human, and the most inflammable of all components of conflict such that if not properly managed can lead to a cannister of disasters. Some partners, the moment they get married, totally forget about being vulnerable to their significant other so that they find it hard expressing their feelings but rather find it okay — for whatever reason — to keep their feelings to themselves as though they are not being eaten up inside by it.
Marriage is that place where you get to experience a potpourri of feelings like never before, and if you don’t learn how to express them to your spouse, you shortchange yourself and drain life out of what should be a life-full experience.
Feelings is that bridge that helps you connect to your partner and also offers the end of rope for them to connect to you.
Observation: I noticed you don’t finish your food
Feelings: I’m curious to know why
— Take Responsibility for your feelings
For every feeling, embedded in it is a need that you must take responsibility for. This you must do by avoiding putting the blame of your feelings on your partner. You feel the way you feel because you have a need to meet. That need must be solely ‘you’ so the other party can see where you are coming from and think about what could be done to meet these needs.
Observation: I noticed you don’t finish your food
Feelings: I’m curious to know why
Take Responsibility: Because I would want to be certain there is nothing wrong with my food.
— Request
If we find it hard expressing our feelings, it will be twice as hard making a request that meets the needs of those feelings. Be that as it may, every feeling of hurt or disappointment comes with an innermost request you would want the other party to oblige. Now, where we get it wrong that creates defences between you and your partner is in making demands of your partner rather than a request. Request (specific) leaves them with a choice, demand makes them feel threatened. And as humans, we would always gravitate towards aspects that recognize our freewill against aspects that make us guilty.
Observation: I noticed you don’t finish your food as you used to
Feelings: I’m curious to know why
Take Responsibility: Because I would want to be certain there is nothing wrong with my food lately
Request: Could you please let me know if this is the case?
With this, you make your partner see the emotional duel you have inside of you, and at this point, they are emotionally motivated to help you resolve the duel, and that opens them up to talk about what the problem is and from thereon, you both tackle it as a team that you are.
Ephesians 4:29 –
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. “
Prof. Ofonime Emmanuel Bassey is a Security, Peace and Conflict Resolution Coach with decades of experience in the practice and promotion of Law Enforcement, Peace and Security through the Nigeria Police and the United Nations.
He is an advocate of Peace Leadership and Child Protection.
He has served and interacted at the top level management of the Nigeria Police as well as internationally as a United Nation’s Monitor/Mentor in Kosovo, Europe.
A professor of Peace Advocacy and Conflict Resolution, Dr. O.E Bassey is a certified United Nation’s Trainer, and currently the Director of ICOF Institute of Leadership, Peace and Conflict Resolution in Africa.
With his marks well-established in Peace Leadership both in Nigeria and Africa. Currently, he is the President, NISSI Safety Management Institute: An Institute of Peace Leadership.
Presently, he is spearheading a campaign tagged “The Next Peace Leaders”, a campaign that is billed to run from 2022-2023 with a target of training 37,000 young peace leaders.
For peace and security tips, consultations and trainings, reach him via:
Facebook: Dr. O.E Bassey
LinkedIn: Dr. O.E Bassey
Twitter: Dr. O.E Bassey
WhatsApp: +2347065828892
Mail: EmmanuelBassey@gmail.com
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